6 Ways You Can Be Supportive For Your Lower Desire Partner
Be curious. Ask questions about what has helped build desire for them in the past and if there's anything you can do to help support them. For example, you can ask them when they’ve enjoyed a sexual encounter in the past, what did they enjoy about it? Curiosity sparks deeper and more open dialogue, which can lead to more connection and emotional intimacy.
Don't use blaming or shaming language. It's likely that the lower desire partner is already feeling "broken" or ashamed of their low desire, so avoid making them feel like there's something wrong with them. You're allowed to share your feelings of sadness, loneliness, and insecurity, but try to be vulnerable when sharing your feelings and try to avoid using language that feels like a guilt-trip. Remember, this isn't a "you" problem, it's an "us" problem.
Learn about responsive desire. More likely than not, if you are experiencing low desire, you're not as likely to experience spontaneous desire (meaning, desire doesn't just come out of nowhere). Responsive desire means you need some kind of stimulus or help along the way. For example, someone with responsive desire may need to feel emotionally connected to their partner before being sexual. As a higher desire partner, be proactive and plan a date night or take some to-do items off their plate so they can make time for individual self-care.
Be supportive of their stress management and self-care. Stress management is one of the most important aspects of accessing desire, especially for women (or folx with vulvas). When we have unprocessed stress in the body, it can lead to anxiety and burn out, which is pretty much the opposite of how we want to feel when we're sexual. Encourage your partner to exercise, get extra rest, and spend time with their friends.
Broaden your view on what physical intimacy is. Physical intimacy doesn't have to just mean sexual intercourse. It can mean a variety of things, and it doesn't have to include penetration or orgasm. Broadening your view can put less pressure on an encounter, and less pressure can help build desire.
Be patient and understanding. Being sexual isn't transactional and your partner doesn't "owe" you sex just because you're in a partnership or marriage. If you plan a date night, it doesn't mean they may be open to being sxual right away. It can take time to access your desire after a period of burn out, loss, trauma, or just living in our political climate. The more patient and understanding you are, the more likely your partner will feel emotionally safe with you and therefore more likely to be open to being s*xual.
